Anonymous asked: Is there a difference between physical and sexual attraction? And how can you tell the difference between romantic and sexual attraction?
Physical attraction can refer to aesthetic, sensual, or sexual attraction, while sexual attraction is specifically the desire for sexual contact with someone.
If you’re trying to figure out if what you’re feeling is sexual or romantic, I would think about what activities you want to do with the person. Is it romantic, like going on dates and doing sweet things for each other and kissing or cuddling? Or is it sexual? There are links to some descriptions of both in my FAQ which might help.
Anonymous asked: I asked myself 'Why do I reacted as I do?' I ended up reading a lot on different sexualities and came to the conclusion that I am Grey-Asexual or similar. But I only feel 85% certain about it and I don't have someone I can talk to near me to help me. When I read fictions with gay pairs mainly I feel aroused (I'm a girl), when I see a guys on the street I can think hes hot, I have no problem kissing or touching most guys up top that i might 'crush on' but I can't stand any penetration or below.
If you’re 85% certain, that’s a pretty high percentage! Many aces get aroused by fiction, so don’t worry about that—it’s just a natural response to a stimulus. Thinking people are attractive is fine too. Many aces use “hot” as shorthand for any kind of attractiveness. And whatever your feelings toward sexual activity are, they don’t make or break your label. There are a variety of attitudes towards sex in the ace community.
I want this community to hug me tight and never let go. I feel at home.
Small confession: I used to think that meeting the right person(s) would “cure” me of my gray sexuality. I normally identify as demisexual, because the only time that sexual attraction even has a chance to occur with me is when I have extreme emotional and mental investment. I guess that’s why I thought, you know… If I meet the right person, then it will make me “normal”, I guess.
But it didn’t. I have someone who I love very much and enjoy being with and trust thoroughly. But I’m still the way I was before. The only change has been the capacity in which I experience sexual attraction. Which is a notable difference, but like… I kind of assumed for a while that maybe if I was in a relationship with the right person, then the context of that relationship would provide a space for me to operate differently. More akin to the way most people around me operate.
But it didn’t.
And that’s okay. Because there’s nothing in me that needs to be “fixed” and I’m not broken. None of us are.
Anonymous asked: Your thoughts on grey and demi-sexual as being a "secondary sexuality" ??
There are several possible things this question could be referring to. I’m not sure which, so I’ll give an opinion on all of them.
- The model of primary vs. secondary sexual attraction, as described on AVENwiki. I’m not really a fan of this, at least not the way it’s described on that page, because it leaves out people who don’t want to have sex for any reason. I don’t know what most demi or gray-A people think of this model.
- The choice of some people to identify as gray-homosexual, demi-pansexual, or something else that combines gray or demi stuff with another label. This is perfectly fine. And there are some people who identify as demisexual or gray-asexual without another modifier, and that’s fine too. I support people using and recombining labels in whatever way works best for them.
- The viewpoint that demisexuality or gray-asexuality should only be considered as modifiers of another sexual orientation. I don’t agree with this. Different people will find different aspects of their sexuality more salient to their identity; for some of us, the circumstances or manner of attraction will be more important than the genders we can be attracted to. It’s silly to assume that gender must be the most important factor for everyone’s sexual identity. That’s not a reflection of reality, it’s an artifact of Western culture and English semantics.
I personally find the primary/secondary sexual attraction model vaguely useful to figure out things for myself, the major downside being that it implies that demisexuals can never experience primary sexual attraction. My version of demisexuality is that I experience primary sexual attraction after the secondary.
Anonymous asked: This account is wonderful. If you're ever having a bad day just remember you give really good advice and help lots of people
Thank you, that is very kind of you to say!
Anonymous asked: I'm demi but was thinking of getting an ace ring. Even though I'm in between the ace spectrum is it fine to still get an all black ring?
Yes, definitely. Ace pride symbols are meant to be used by anyone on the spectrum, including people on the aromantic spectrum.
I started a survey that mostly targets people on the asexual/aromantic spectra, but anyone can fill it out.
Please do and spread around the community! :)
A reminder that if you are asexual, you can totally find people aesthetically pleasing. It’s fine to think another person is attractive. You are not “less” of an asexual.
I will be in India (Madurai specifically) from now until the 22nd for my cousin’s wedding. I will be checking email intermittently but I am not sure if I’ll get time to answer asks. If you submit something, I will answer it when I return.
Anonymous asked: So, I'm pretty sure I'm demisexual. I'm abstinent too, but even if I wasn't, I can be in a relationship and am just about sex repulsed until I really love that person and want to maybe marry them one day. But if I are a celebrity like Paul Dano, I think to myself, "I'd tap that lmao". Except I wouldn't really because yeah saving myself. I can see a boy at the mall and MAYBE think that, but it really only applies to people I have a chance of seeing. Do you think I still fit as demisexual?
If you’re pretty sure you’re demisexual, that’s good enough for me, because only you know your experience well enough to determine the right label. If you find that sexual feelings only start to show up when you get to know a person well, and are repulsed by other people, that’s consistent with demisexuality.
Plenty of aces make comments about celebrities, just like my straight girl friends make comments about female celebrities: they’d never actually want to follow up on it in real life, they just think the celebrity is good-looking.
Thinking about sex isn’t really the same as feeling sexually attracted: you can think about having sex with anyone if you want to, but it’s usually unbidden sexual thoughts that indicate the presence of sexual attraction. And finally, being abstinent sometimes goes hand-in-hand with being ace: if you’re not particularly interested in sex, you might as well be since it’s easier!
Anonymous asked: hi, hello. i think i may be ace. but i do get random sexual urges and impulses (very rarely) but not with anyone specificly. despite the urges, im not interested in having sex. i think i might just be confused, is there anyway to be sure?
those random sexual impulses could be a libido. it’s basically an “itch” your body wants you to scratch (or have scratched) and doesn’t have influence on if you’re asexual or not.
if those itches are directed at anyone specifically, then it could be a sign of who you’re attracted to and you’re not asexual anymore, but if they’re not…
Anonymous asked: It makes me really sad when people say that demisexuality isn't real and only exists on Tumblr. It doesn't only exist on Tumblr, right? I mean, I've seen it other places. Also I'm really sad that "special little snowflake" is an insult because it sounds really cute. Sorry, I'm just kind of venting. I basically came out (if that's what you call it when you're demisexual, the phrase seems a little weird to me), like, yesterday, and all the hate on the demi tag just makes me really sad.
There are plenty of people on AVEN, Reddit, and other ace communities who identify as demisexual, so no, it’s not limited to Tumblr. Tumblr just happens to have a robust ace community, and the age demographic of the website skews young, meaning that there will be more people talking about sexuality and trying to figure themselves out.
I like that you think “special little snowflake” sounds cute. It is cute. It doesn’t have to be condescending. As humans, we all have a lot in common with each other: many values, experiences, and ideas. But there’s a remarkable amount of variation as well. Even when I think of my bird or my roommate’s dog, I am amazed at how these animals have such distinct personalities. So I think it’s awesome that there are so many humans who are all individuals with their own stories and experiences. We are all special little snowflakes because no two people are exactly the same and that’s a beautiful thing. We use words like “demisexual” to convey to others the nuances of our experiences.
I too think “coming out” sounds a little odd, so I don’t really consider me telling people as coming out because it’s more like I’m sharing a fact about myself rather than a secret. But anyway, the demi hate on the tag is really depressing. I get mad, but I also just feel bad for people who have nothing better to do with their time than hate on people for using certain words. It’s really ridiculous. While we’re introspecting and learning about ourselves and other people, they’re spreading negative vibes. It is pitiable.
Anonymous asked: I've been confused entirely about my sexuality. I have a high sex drive and masterbate when I feel the urge(and I usually use porn) and I get aroused occasionally, but when I think of having sex or when someone I feel I don't know very well touches me physically in any way it creeps me out and at times I feel almost asexual and just don't want to deal with sex and I feel almost relieved, but at the same time I don't want to close myself off to the idea of sex with someone I know and love.
Having a high sex drive, masturbating, using porn, and getting aroused are all things which aces do. They do not invalidate your asexuality, make you gray-asexual rather than asexual, or anything like that. If you feel like asexual as a label fits you best, go for it.
I would operate on the assumption that sex is not going to be a huge part of a relationship for you, but if you do find a relationship, just make sure it’s with someone you trust, and you can bring up the idea of trying sex to see if it’s something you like. Some aces do enjoy having sex with people they love, so maybe you will like it. But if not, no worries—you certainly have company among many other aces.
Anonymous asked: Hey Demi Gray, I'm pretty sure that I'm demi, but two things are still on my mind. 1, sometimes I have the feeling that I'm ace. Sex just seems blah. but other times it's like my testosterone is freaking shark blood or something. What's up with that? And 2, being demi, I find it hard to make an opportunity for a relationship. Idk if you can help with that concern, but if possible, thank you so much.
Testosterone does actually affect libido: more of it in your system may increase sex drive. In any case, having a libido doesn’t make you more or less ace, because it’s just a biological thing. Some aces also experience sexual desire, so that’s natural as well. And many people, ace or not, have fluctuating levels of libido and desire. Periods especially can really mess with a person’s levels over the course of the month.
It is difficult to find a relationship when you require such a deep bond for sexual attraction to even have a chance of developing. But I think you’d be surprised at how many people are open to the idea of going on friend dates first and developing a friendship. For many people, trying to suss out romantic/sexual interest on the first date is intimidating, and I think especially with the millennial generation, more casual, friendly settings are becoming more acceptable in the initial stages of courtship.
If you just put yourself out there and meet people and see if you click with them, you’ll eventually find someone who you could see yourself being romantically interested in. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself. Just tell yourself that you’ll try meeting so-and-so for coffee to see if they’re a cool person and go from there.