BEING HORMONAL AND HORNY WHEN YOU’RE ASEXUAL IS LIKE GETTING A $200 GIFT CARD FOR A STORE THAT DOESN’T EVEN EXIST
I just wanted to respond to that question about ‘missing out’ because I’m in that same boat. I remember one time when I was feeling upset I was thinking about stuff from developmental psych and how there’s this period of time where mistakes are expected because you’re learning how to navigate experiences (like how little kids learn to share and make mistakes so when they’re older and need to be able to share, they know how and are capable of doing so. Adolescents first forming relationships is a similar thing—it’s essentially practicing the skills in a socially constructed setting where it’s okay to mess some things up), and I worry about never having… learned. Like, I have plenty of sort of abstract knowledge, and my friends in college all talk about their relationships and so I’ve seen and heard and helped them through things. But yeah, sometimes the lack of ‘practical’ knowledge of what my own relationships would be like and how they would work bothers me.
I’m not sure I really have an answer for what to do about it, but I wanted the asker of that question to know they’re not the only one trying to sort this stuff out. And definitely, finding good friends and seeing stuff in this community helps a lot.
[Editor’s note: Thanks so much for your submission! Your explanation of that developmental psych concept is so relevant and explains why people in their late teens/twenties who haven’t yet had a relationship feel left out.]
Coming out as demisexual
I received two similar asks and will answer them together, if my askees don’t mind…
Do you have any advice to someone who wants to tell people that she’s demisexual? Like I want to tell certain people but I’m scared that people will be condescending towards me and will call me names like prude and special snowflake :/.
Do you have any advice to a demisexuai that wants to come out to her best friend and maybe her parents. But she’s a bit scared? ~ C
Coming out is really scary, and it does require taking a risk. You have to decide whether you are willing to take that risk. Yes, you might be called names. If that happens, how will you deal with it? Think about the possibilities, and do some research so you are prepared to answer questions and educate people further if they are willing to learn. If you get a negative response, be confident—you’ve already decided who you are, so don’t let someone else tell you otherwise. And try your hardest not to get angry. Stay calm and rationally explain yourself (if you feel it is worth your time and effort for that person).
Ideally, the people close to you who you choose to honor with this information will respect you and be supportive, but this is not always the case. You might need to be patient and give them some time to come around, but if you continue trying to teach them about it and making it clear that you’d appreciate their support, and they do not respond positively, I would reconsider your closeness with the person. Life is too short to spend it on people who do not fully accept you as you are.
If either of you needs follow-up help, or has more specific questions, don’t hesitate to ask! Best wishes and lots of love to you both.
P.S.: There is further advice in my coming out tag.
I’m just putting this out there since I’m curious.
I mentioned to some of my friends earlier this problematic phenomenon that I, as someone who happens to be somewhat demi-sexual as well as pansexual, tend to experience. Mainly that almost every friend I’ve had since puberty I’ve had a mild to moderate crush on at some point or another. Not that I would go after them mind, I know the difference between just friends and not, but it gets annoying to always be like “friend! <3” and then have to mentally destroy that feeling because I know it’s inappropriate.
Has anyone else experienced anything like this?
If we’re thinking of the same thing, there’s actually a word for that—a squish, or a platonic crush (as opposed to crushes, which are romantic in nature). I think this is the same thing that people sometimes call a “girl crush” or “man crush.”
Anonymous asked: Hello :) I suppose this is more of a vent than anything but: I id as grey-a but I never had a chance to "know" my sexuality. At age 15 I had no interest in being sexual w/others even though I knew what I found attractive & sometimes felt arousal, but I ended up being sexually abused multiple times before I could learn more about myself. I know everyone says abuse doesn't cause asexuality but I suspect I might've been before the abuse? I've viewed sex as something awkward even before being hurt.
What you say makes perfect sense. My answer to you is that I wouldn’t worry about why you’re asexual—maybe you were wired that way, or maybe it was your experiences, and most likely only a professional psychologist is equipped to definitively answer that. In the ace community, we welcome those who identify as ace just because that’s the way they always were, as well as those who identify as ace because they have experienced sexual trauma. As long as you find value in the discussions we have and gain strength from being in the community, you are always welcome in it.
If you do want an actual answer, I would recommend discussing it with a therapist, or coming to your own answer—I will say, your experience does sound ace-like. Many young aces are “late bloomers” or perceived as such, and that gives them a hint that they might be ace. If you think it’s likely that you were ace before the trauma itself, you might just be right. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and know yourself well.
"Is this community a place where there are others like me?"
I’m in my twenties and have NEVER been in a relationship. I feel like I’m missing the ability to find people attractive, and missing a way to relate to people since I’m so “behind”. Is this community a place where there are others like me?
Yes! There are soooo many people in this community who can relate exactly to what you said. I’ve made this post answerable so others can write in if they want.
There are many asexuals who are in successful relationships, so being unable to find people sexually attractive isn’t necessarily an obstacle. It is definitely more difficult for us to find partners, but it can certainly happen. And it sounds cheesy/cliché, but a good relationship is worth the wait. Take time to learn about yourself, and you’ll be better prepared to find one.
I would continue reading ace blogs and hanging out around the community so you can learn more about others’ experiences.
I think it’s really depressing that Western society is so hypersexualized that people who aren’t terribly interested in bedding a total stranger, which is really the majority of people, believe that they’re a minority and have to create a label to seek out others like them.
Nothing against demisexuals or the people that use the term. I just hate the cultural atmosphere that’s created a necessity for such a label.
Hello! Just fyi, demisexuality isn’t about not wanting to have casual sex. It’s better understood as a slight variation of asexuality—asexuals do not feel sexual attraction at all, while demisexuals might feel sexual attraction only when they are close with a person emotionally (this doesn’t just mean romantic feelings, it could also be a coworker, friend, etc.)
Asexuals and demisexuals all have different attitudes toward sexual behavior—while most aces are uninterested in or repulsed by sex, there are some who enjoy and desire it, and a handful who don’t mind casual sex. I have a post on why demisexuals aren’t the majority which you can read here.
I do agree that Western society is hypersexualized and it’s a problem. It’s the kind of environment that contributes to rape culture and peer pressure to engage in sexual activity.
I consider both asexuality and demisexuality to describe me.
While it is most likely true that a necessary but not sufficient condition for me to form sexual attraction/desire/feelings at all is being basically best friends with the person, I describe myself as asexual more often than I describe as demisexual.
My primary identity of the two is asexual, not only because sexual attraction is extremely rare for me (only one confirmed instance in my entire 24 years) but because when it happens, it feels unnatural and alien to me. I’m also repulsed by the idea of me doing activities that most people regard as sex (even when experiencing sexual attraction), and it is much easier for me to find people with shared experiences among asexuals than among demisexuals. I am under the impression that there are proportionally more sex-repulsed people among asexuals than sex-repulsed people among demisexuals.
Only when people offline want an excruciatingly detailed description of my sexual orientation (and demonstrate that they’re not going to be assholes) do I call myself demisexual.
A good explanation of how one might consider themselves to be both asexual and demisexual simultaneously. Labels are just words—sometimes more than one might apply.
Anonymous asked: I just feel sexual attracted for people if I have a emotional involvement with them, but sometimes I see some people who I don't have any feeling for them or even know them, but I feel a desire to be cuddle, touchy-feeling and even kiss them (but I don't feel anything sexual). I want to know if with these feelings for people who I don't have an emotional bond, I can consider myself demisexual or not. And sorry for my bad English.
There are different types of attraction. It sounds like you feel sensual attraction for people you don’t know well. Demisexuals feel sexual attraction only for people they are emotionally close to, but they are perfectly able to feel other types of attraction for people regardless of their relationship with them. If you think “demisexual” is the label for you, you should use it!
Anonymous asked: So I've been flirting with one of my guy friends for a while and it's definitely fun, but I'm not sure if I'm actually attracted to him or just kind of enjoying the attention? And I kind of hate myself for not being able to tell because I feel like I'm leading him on. I've had really unhealthy past relationships and being grey-a/demi has been a huge problem before. I'm not sexually attracted to him at all, and I know it's not true vice versa. I'm so scared to talk to him about it because (ctnd)
I don’t want to lose a friend. I’ve pretty much had a panic attack over this already, I’m really, really freaking out about it. I kinda of want to ask him to back off a bit with the flirting but I don’t know how to do anything without hurting him and I’d rather suffer than hurt a friend.
I would be honest with him and stop indulging his flirting, because continuing to do so might give him the wrong idea. Usually people flirt to denote interest. Nipping the issue in the bud now is best, rather than waiting until the situation gets more intense. Tell him that you care about him as a friend but you definitely do not want a romantic or sexual relationship from him. Honesty is the best policy in this case. He might be upset to hear it, but he would likely be even more upset if he thought there was a chance of something more.
It’s definitely scary to bring this sort of thing up at all, so you don’t need to hate yourself! You clearly care about your friend, and that’s good. I just think if you want to cause him as little pain as possible, it’s healthiest to clear the air asap.
Anonymous asked: whts the diff bw demisexual and semisexual?
I have heard of semisexual but do not have a clear understanding of what it means because it is not widely used. Also, my Google research has turned up several different definitions:
- Someone who is fluid with regard to sexual attraction
- Someone who feels sexual attraction but has no desire to act on it
- Someone who does not feel sexual attraction but has a libido
- Someone whose sex drive becomes active or higher after developing an emotional bond
So to be honest, I am not entirely sure what semisexual means because there doesn’t seem to be a consensus on the definition. If anyone who actually identifies as semisexual would like to clarify, I would appreciate it.
Anonymous asked: if i get attached to people really easily even if we're not that close, am i still demiromantic?
If by attached, you mean platonically attracted and/or emotionally invested, then yes. Demiromantic is when you become romantically attracted to someone only after becoming close with them.
is it normal to be asexual/demisexual and still have kinks/be sexually aroused (like with my belly kink)?
or does that mean i’m not really ace?
i’m still trying to figure myself out apparently. :/
Anonymous asked: i think i'm gray-ace however i worried that the reason why i rarely experience sexual attraction it's because i rarely go out and rarely socialize with other people, should i take this as a possibility of me not being gray-ace or am i just worrying about nothing?
I don’t think you need to worry. Even if you don’t go out and meet people, you probably still see people (even if only on TV), and if you don’t have sexual feelings toward them, then it’s most likely safe to say you’re ace. If you feel like the label fits, use it!
Anonymous asked: i always want the attention of people and i want the people that i am close w or think are attractive to desire me sexually. when im being intimate w someone, i love to tease. its my thing. i can really relate when people say that they find human bodies aesthetically beautiful. i love looking at bodies but not for sexual pleasure..i never masturbate.
Well, the first few things you described aren’t really things that relate to determining your ace identity (masturbation as well—some aces do it and some don’t). It depends on how you experience sexual feelings toward other people. If you never have sexual feelings toward other people, you might be asexual, and if you have them sometimes, you might be demisexual or gray-asexual. I would continue doing research on these labels and see which ones resonates the most with you. Only you can label yourself.