Sometimes I feel like people interpret demisexuality in a way that means we won’t kiss anybody ever who we don’t have a personal relationship with. I would just like to say I’m demi and I’ve gone to clubs and made out with some people and the difference between them and the people I kiss that I have relationships with is a very real and tangible feeling called sexual attraction
It’s the difference between watching a play vs. watching a play with your friend in it. One can be fun but the other is amazing
Anonymous asked: Okay, so I've felt sexual attraction before, and I get aroused by fiction, but it generally only happens when something's happening with it. Like, I form a sexual attraction when someone wants to do sexy things and it stays, or I get urges when I look at porn but never any other time, and even then it's a toss up if I'll get turned on or not. I'm thinking I'm grey-ace, but I'm also wondering if I might just have a low sex drive. What do you think?
The thing about gray-asexuality is that a lot of people with a low sex drive could probably identify as gray ace if they wanted to, but don’t because they feel it’s not necessary or they don’t know about the label. It sounds like your sexual attraction is fickle and depends on the circumstances, so gray-asexual might be a good fit, since one of the definitions is that it only occurs under certain circumstances. If the label helps you understand yourself better and feel better about yourself, then it’s a good sign that you might want to use it, but if it doesn’t do anything for you, then you don’t necessarily need to use it unless you want to.
Anonymous asked: I am confused about my sexuality (or, more so, lack of). Like I wouldn't consider myself asexual/aromantic but I just can't feel where place myself on the spectrum at one place or another so I'm just sitting here sad and like ????? are my emotions about this even real cause I can't materialize them but I just can't really understand my feelings at this point and it's upsetting me... :(
Your emotions are very real! In a world where many people seem to be so sure of themselves, it can be upsetting to be confused. For some of us, sexuality is a more complicated journey than waking up one day and realizing we’re X, Y, or Z. And for others, it might seem simple at first and then become complicated later in life. The ace community is a great place to explore different labels (or the lack of a label) without judgement, so read more about asexuality and aromanticism and see what you think. It might take months, even, so don’t give up. Ultimately, only you can give yourself a straight answer, so if you want to go with a label, take the plunge and just do it. Labels are really just symbols for the fuzziness of human experience, so they’ll rarely be perfect. If you realize it doesn’t fit, discard it and move on.
The labels of gray-asexual and grayromantic are meant to be intentionally broad or vague for people who feel like they might identify with asexuality or aromanticism but aren’t quite at that end of the spectrum. So it’s okay to leave it fuzzy if you want. It’s also okay to identify as questioning so far.
Anonymous asked: To the anon who's afraid of being mistaken in your sexual label, keep in mind that a great deal many people who aren't heterosexual start their sexual exploration with the heterosexual label and still discover a truer path for themselves (for example someone who identifies as gay or bi). It's no different if you choose to start exploring your sexuality with an asexual label, even if you discover later that it has no more use for you. Sexuality is a journey for everyone. :)
This is well said. Because heterosexuality is assumed to be the norm, many people start off assuming they’re straight and then later discovering they’re something else.
Anonymous asked: Hi, upon learning about asexuality i guess i felt kinda giddy? it made a lot more sense than other sexualities did to me but im still unsure. Im only 16, and i dont want to say im asexual b/c i fear im too young to really know due to the fact ive never been physical with anyone or had a romantic relationship but ive never really had the desire to. Ive never had a crush on anyone & i masturbate but usual im just like 'well that was a waste of time' afterwards. Am i asexual? Am i demisexual?
I understand the fear that you are too young, but I think what’s most important is how you identify NOW. If you feel like asexuality best describes you now and want to identify as asexual, go for it! Later, your sexuality might change, but that can happen to anyone, and you should just cross the bridge when you come to it. It’s not shameful to change your label later on—it shows great maturity and strength to be able to revise and grow your sense of self. Many heterosexual people don’t need to have same-gender sex to know that they’re heterosexual, so don’t feel like you need to have certain experiences in order to know for sure. If the definition of asexuality resonates with you, then that’s it.
Anonymous asked: 17 year old girl, most I've ever done is kiss a guy, and that only happened 3 week ago. I've never felt sexually attracted to anyone, I just feel strange how people can. I've read that Demi/grey-asexuals will feel like they want to once a strong connection is made? People tell me I'm just "not ready" but I can't feel sexual towards anyone. I thought I was the only one who felt this way. I felt like something was wrong not wanting sex. Am I Demi-grey asexual? What's your thoughts?
Well, first off, aces all have different attitudes towards sex. Most dislike it or are indifferent to it, and some enjoy it (often if they are very fond of the person). If you don’t want sex, it is a good sign that you are an ace of some sort. Usually when people never feel sexual attraction, they identify as asexual, so you might consider that label.
Demisexuals feel sexual attraction after a strong connection is made, so maybe later on you will find that you are demi, but what matters most is what label fits you best NOW, since you can’t really predict the future.
In any case, it’s totally fine to not want sex; the ace community is full of people like you. Sex isn’t the most important thing in a relationship and you can find a wonderful, fulfilling connection with someone without it.
Anonymous asked: Hi! Erm I'm an eighteen year old virgin and for most of my life I thought I was gay? But I don't get sex urges very often, I enjoy porn, both the internet and written kind, I masturbate but I never seem to get anywhere with it (my arousal just seems to stop half way through). I figured that even if I was gay I would still you know, be obsessed with getting laid. The idea of sex doesn't repulse me though, I like being 'sexy' and am very physical affectionate. Just, any help with this please?
If you feel “meh” about sex in general, you might be gray-asexual or asexual. It depends on if you feel sexual attraction or not; most people who don’t experience it at all call themselves asexual, while others go with gray-asexual if they experience it weakly or infrequently. Not all aces are sex-repulsed, some feel indifferent to it, and others enjoy other kinds of physical affection and just appearing attractive.
As for the gayness, if you’re experiencing same gender attraction, you might be homoromantic. Aces generally do have gender preferences for their romantic and sexual attractions, unless they are bi- or pan-.
Anonymous asked: Can one be allo with some genders and gray-a or Demi with others? I think that describes my orientation but I'm not sure if it's a thing or I'm just pan with a more common attraction type and just weirdly saying it or if my possible orientation there is valid. Please help?
Yes, definitely. You’re actually not the first person to ask me this. Whatever words you feel are the best ones to describe your identity are valid: you just have a more nuanced version of demisexuality.
Anonymous asked: A big question I'm asking as I'm exploring my sexuality is that I've been in love with a fictional character for 8 years of my life. I've had sexual attraction to him, and one other person. But I'm curious now to if I may have a crush on my friend, or if it is just a squish. They are of the same sex and I've never felt this way for a girl. I'm very confused as I want to be close to her and take her on dates, and be romantic with her. Is this normal for a demisexual to like both genders?
Yes, demisexuals can have gender preferences just like non-ace spectrum people. Some demisexuals prefer one gender, others two genders, and others all genders. It sounds like you have romantic feelings for your friend—if this makes you want to consider identifying as biromantic, that’s great, but it’s also okay if you consider it an exception in a pattern of being attracted to just one gender.
Anonymous asked: Is there a difference between physical and sexual attraction? And how can you tell the difference between romantic and sexual attraction?
Physical attraction can refer to aesthetic, sensual, or sexual attraction, while sexual attraction is specifically the desire for sexual contact with someone.
If you’re trying to figure out if what you’re feeling is sexual or romantic, I would think about what activities you want to do with the person. Is it romantic, like going on dates and doing sweet things for each other and kissing or cuddling? Or is it sexual? There are links to some descriptions of both in my FAQ which might help.
Anonymous asked: I asked myself 'Why do I reacted as I do?' I ended up reading a lot on different sexualities and came to the conclusion that I am Grey-Asexual or similar. But I only feel 85% certain about it and I don't have someone I can talk to near me to help me. When I read fictions with gay pairs mainly I feel aroused (I'm a girl), when I see a guys on the street I can think hes hot, I have no problem kissing or touching most guys up top that i might 'crush on' but I can't stand any penetration or below.
If you’re 85% certain, that’s a pretty high percentage! Many aces get aroused by fiction, so don’t worry about that—it’s just a natural response to a stimulus. Thinking people are attractive is fine too. Many aces use “hot” as shorthand for any kind of attractiveness. And whatever your feelings toward sexual activity are, they don’t make or break your label. There are a variety of attitudes towards sex in the ace community.
I want this community to hug me tight and never let go. I feel at home.
Small confession: I used to think that meeting the right person(s) would “cure” me of my gray sexuality. I normally identify as demisexual, because the only time that sexual attraction even has a chance to occur with me is when I have extreme emotional and mental investment. I guess that’s why I thought, you know… If I meet the right person, then it will make me “normal”, I guess.
But it didn’t. I have someone who I love very much and enjoy being with and trust thoroughly. But I’m still the way I was before. The only change has been the capacity in which I experience sexual attraction. Which is a notable difference, but like… I kind of assumed for a while that maybe if I was in a relationship with the right person, then the context of that relationship would provide a space for me to operate differently. More akin to the way most people around me operate.
But it didn’t.
And that’s okay. Because there’s nothing in me that needs to be “fixed” and I’m not broken. None of us are.
Anonymous asked: Your thoughts on grey and demi-sexual as being a "secondary sexuality" ??
There are several possible things this question could be referring to. I’m not sure which, so I’ll give an opinion on all of them.
- The model of primary vs. secondary sexual attraction, as described on AVENwiki. I’m not really a fan of this, at least not the way it’s described on that page, because it leaves out people who don’t want to have sex for any reason. I don’t know what most demi or gray-A people think of this model.
- The choice of some people to identify as gray-homosexual, demi-pansexual, or something else that combines gray or demi stuff with another label. This is perfectly fine. And there are some people who identify as demisexual or gray-asexual without another modifier, and that’s fine too. I support people using and recombining labels in whatever way works best for them.
- The viewpoint that demisexuality or gray-asexuality should only be considered as modifiers of another sexual orientation. I don’t agree with this. Different people will find different aspects of their sexuality more salient to their identity; for some of us, the circumstances or manner of attraction will be more important than the genders we can be attracted to. It’s silly to assume that gender must be the most important factor for everyone’s sexual identity. That’s not a reflection of reality, it’s an artifact of Western culture and English semantics.
I personally find the primary/secondary sexual attraction model vaguely useful to figure out things for myself, the major downside being that it implies that demisexuals can never experience primary sexual attraction. My version of demisexuality is that I experience primary sexual attraction after the secondary.
Anonymous asked: This account is wonderful. If you're ever having a bad day just remember you give really good advice and help lots of people
Thank you, that is very kind of you to say!